A Love Letter To David Eby…

In response to A Love Letter From David Eby:

Hi David,

I’m sorry to insult you- but, this letter appears like it was written by a lawyer, not by a human being. Your letter was technically elegant, but completely lacking soul.

1.) Your Class of Travel to Prince George:

The 1% hate public transit. If their plane is ‘in the shop’ they may have to degrade themselves by flying on the same plane as the unwashed huddled masses. Down at Bohemian Grove, their most beloved ghost story is about being stuck on a Dash-8 on a flight to Prince George.

So, yes, there is no Business Class on regional flights. Thank you for correcting me on that one- you would have probably out-scored me on the aptitude test for joining the 1%. One must know these things if one is to be able to be accepted by them. Lol

2.) Your Location This Weekend:

It is good to hear you made it up to Prince George. The name of the place is a bit of a misnomer- if there were a prince there, one would be able to get themselves a bottle of Pimm’s from time-to-time, don’t you think? You lucked out with the Bread Garden plonk!

Was there something big happening up there this weekend? Because, I’m worried you didn’t come to the convention this weekend. Yes, it is tiresome to dress-down all weekend for ‘oh ye brothers and sisters‘, and it can be tiresome singing working-class songs from New Jersey– but, the huddled masses do like it, and that is the only way you will get elevated to become our benevolent leader!

3.) Alcohol Consumption

I have no doubt you enjoy a nice bottle of wine, we all figured this out back when we met you. I’m sure you had the largest collection of empty bottles in your whole frat house. And, once you moved over to Point Grey, it would have been gauche to continue bringing home a two-four. Would be just way too 99%…

I had hadn’t thought about #RiceWine before I wrote you the last letter. I asked someone who knew more about the DTES than I what was the local tipple. There were a couple choices- I chose #RiceWine over Listerine because I didn’t want to be promoting an undeserving company’s brand. But, you forced my hand on that now.

The reason for doing this was to point you looking into a mirror. It made me uncomfortable thinking that someone who is blindly labelled a ‘True Hero’ of the DTES would tweet a complaint about the fact he is fortunate enough to afford something better…

4.) Your Delayed Flight

Were you able to determine if the mechanical failure was something that was in or out of control of the airline before you disparaged their name? Could it have been a manufacturing issue- a bird hit? I certainly hope you don’t treat your butler that way- or, you may find him spitting in your kippers!

The airline business has had a rough decade– and their workforces have been at-risk of layoffs for many years. Can I beg of you to please be extra-careful next time you speak out against them? After all, the little people need their jobs- right mate?

5.) Mr. Rosenberg

Thank you for updating us on your choice of words. From the some of the things I’ve read about you on local Vancouver blogs, I’m certain you and Mr Rosenberg will hit it off big. And, since he flatters you, if you spend some time flattering him- you just may find yourselves together one night enjoying the pleasures of a Virgin Atlantic Upper Class lavatory. When the time comes for that, make sure you hit-up Mayor Gregor, he has pretty good connections at Virgin…

6.) Sexism

It is comical to read your complaints about political correctness. You are this ‘world classMother Theresa of a lawyer, and you had so little to throw at me that you correct my political correctness in a satire piece? Oy Vey!

a.) Had You been the one hiring Mr. Rosenberg, and the quote was attributed to Christy, the tagline would have been interchangeable. So, it was in no way specific to gender.

b.) The picture of Christy’s cleavage was linked to the SunVinceTai– did you complain to them? Besides, it was more a commentary on her judgement. By choosing the wrong shirt, the world was distracted from what was going on in her head (or not). A cliche at best. I expect my Grand Puba to be more on-the-ball…

You walked into that one so blindly- it deeply pains me to think you could actually have fallen for it! Did you know the word gullible isn’t in the dictionary?

7.) Bitchslapping Horses With Lawyer Cream Pies

Once again David- satire! You forget, I am probably Occupy Vancouver’s most prominent pacifist! And, I am most certainly the person who gets the most threats from ninja-clad barely pubescent angry young men. Have you been so absorbed correcting my language use that you forgot the purpose of my request?

I have been trying to tell you that the #BlackBloc have been hurting our progress here at Occupy Vancouver. I’ve not been asking you to help ‘me’, I’ve been trying to ask you to help ‘us’. Because, this sort of behaviour has been partly responsible for dropping OV’s public approval rating from 60% to 29% (at last count).

So, you really have me confused. You are afraid that I am unstable and potentially violent for asking you to help denounce violence at Occupy Vancouver? Do you not see how absurd of a statement you are making? Did you really think this through? Or, perhaps, you just don’t have a sense of humour?

Please re-read the subtitle: “Or, virtual cream pie hits Eby- Gregor & Quatchi hit with the splatter.” I just spoke to Quatchi, and he figured it out pretty quickly. He nearly blew my ears off howling when he read it!

8.) Ninjas

You have addressed a lot of things in your letter- but, not a single mention of your position on the appearance of the Black Bloc at Occupy Vancouver. This leaves me incredibly disturbed- you are supposed to be better than that….

Why the omission? Are you trying to punish me because my article didn’t adhere to the rules in the politically correct style-book? Or, did it just hurt too much when I mentioned the possibility of Christy & Rosenberg starting a physical relationship?

What could have I done that had been so important it over-rode your contributing to the success of humanity’s greatest ever opportunity to achieve universal civil liberties? If this is a temper tantrum you should be ashamed!

Sincerely,

– Greg

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